Feeling Hollow? How To Fill Yourself Up
I came across the idea for this article when I was listening to music. I was listening to the song "Hollow Life" by Coast Modern and realized there is something I need to address.
I've always been the type of girl that's in a long-term relationship. It was one relationship after the other for me. Looking back, I thought it was because I didn't have a particular "type" of person I was looking for, and I'm pretty laid back when it comes to relationships most of the time. Basically, I thought myself to be a low-maintenance girlfriend.
It's not that these sentiments weren't true, but there was another factor lying beneath the surface: I was afraid to be alone.
This is an idea I've struggled for a long time to admit. I still have a hard time admitting it. But it's a simple fact of the human condition. We all have a fear of being alone. That's why we instinctively create societies, clubs, cultures, and strong family ties. This fear of loneliness or abandonment is inherent in all of us, whether we are conscious of it or not. However, the ways we choose to cope with it may differ.
As much as I like to identify with being an independent woman, I, like many people, enjoy having someone to spend time with. Which I will stress, isn't an unhealthy desire. It only becomes healthy when we form attachments to these people. It becomes unhealthy when we start to feel like we need to have them around.
This is where we tend to go wrong - myself included.
Attachment happens when we use something or someone to fill an emotional void (cue "Void" by The Neighbourhood, I'm musical today). This void could stem from our childhood, a traumatic experience, or our relationship with our parents/guardians in our youth. When untreated, people often choose to self-soothe with addictions to shopping, overeating, tv/videogames/entertainment, or more harmful addictions such as use of drugs, alcohol, and self-harming. Essentially these are ways people fill the void, especially when no one is around to distract them. Filling our schedule with plans and events that involve having people constantly around us is a an easy way to fill the void and it's the most common way.
You may not notice when you start to get attached to something or someone, but you'll notice if and when you're forced to detach for any reason, i.e. if you're rejected or dumped.
What happens when we detach from the void-filling habit, don't self-soothe, and finally embrace alone time and silence? Thoughts! Over my brief study of humans, I've discovered in many people a fear of their own thoughts. Happy thoughts, sad thoughts, destructive thoughts, productive thoughts! Thoughts! Some that will drive us mad. Some that will make us crave a way to run away from our problems.
It's natural to be afraid of falling into the black hole of negative thinking, but if you never acknowledge the thoughts, they're just going to sit in your subconscious; dormant, and waiting to unleash in your next moment of weakness. If you face your thoughts head-on and embrace them, they'll start to disappear like magic.
The Solution
When that negative voice in your head starts talking you, talk back! And be rude if you have too. Recognize that not all of your thoughts are your own. You could actually be picking up on someone's projections onto you. Separate yourself from what is and isn't yours. Only claim the thoughts that make you feel good or are neutral. Anything that is negative, denounce. It's as easy as saying: "That's not me, cancel, clear, delete." This is a tactic I used when I was in a negative head space and it trained me to be aware of my thoughts.
Another way to control your thinking is to do what I call a "brain dump" daily. A brain dump is when you let all of your thoughts out in a way that's therapeutic for you. This could be through writing, creating art, filming or recording yourself, or even talking to someone helpful like a therapist or trusted adviser.
Once you feel like you're in a more positive or even just a level space, treat yo self! Use some self-love practices to help you when you're feeling lonely. Make a list of things that make you happy and do some of them. Here are some ways to self-care:
Get some sunlight for at least five minutes.
Make yourself laugh.
Listen to music that makes you feel good (positive lyrics please).
Eat fruit.
Read a good book.
Have a relaxing bath.
Meditate.
Or just take a damn nap. Sometimes that all we need.
When we're taking care of ourselves, we're loving ourselves and we're healing that void. I'll be writing an article about more self-love practices soon.